America's 'Womb-der' Years: Report Cards Show D+ in Baby's Timely Arrival
America's 'Womb-der' Years: Report Cards Show D+ in Baby's Timely Arrival
By Jennifer Pagliaccio
April 6, 2023
Welcome to the era of the 80s, where the race is on to make babies. Well, not exactly. It seems that America has hit a bit of a speed bump when it comes to delivering babies on time. Report cards are out, and the grade is in: a resounding D+ in the nation's ability to bring newborns into the world at the right moment.
A Nation Overdue
Remember the good old days when babies arrived like clockwork? Well, apparently, those days are long gone. According to the latest report cards issued by hospitals across the nation, American babies are fashionably late, leaving parents and doctors scratching their heads.
A Remarkable Decline
In the midst of neon scrunchies and leg warmers coming back into fashion, it seems that timely arrivals have gone out of style. The report cards have revealed a remarkable decline in the number of babies being born on schedule. In fact, the percentage of on-time deliveries has plummeted to a mere 40%.
Reasons Behind the Late Arrival
Many factors contribute to the tardiness of newborns, but we couldn't help but notice the correlation between the declining trend and the resurgence of 80s culture. Could it be that babies are just too busy rocking out to "Take on Me" by A-ha or perfecting their signature dance moves to "Thriller" by Michael Jackson to bother with pesky due dates?
A Shift in Priorities
It appears that delivering babies on time is no longer a top priority for the little ones. Instead, they seem more interested in imitating Molly Ringwald's iconic dance scene in "The Breakfast Club" than making their grand entrance into the world. Can you blame them? The 80s were a pretty rad time, after all.
Parental Reactions
Parents are understandably baffled by the late arrivals. "I had everything planned out, down to the minute," said Alexis Johnson, a new mom. "But apparently my baby had other plans. Maybe they're just trying to keep up with the Kardashians."
Doctors' Dilemma
Doctors, on the other hand, are at a loss for words. "We've tried everything from dancing the Macarena to singing "Livin' on a Prayer" in the delivery room," said Dr. Brian Michaels, a renowned obstetrician. "But it seems the babies have a mind of their own, and it's stuck in the 80s."
Grandmas' Advice
In a desperate attempt to bring about timely arrivals, grandmothers everywhere are offering up their invaluable advice. "Back in my day, we didn't have any of this 80s nonsense," said Charlotte Johnson, an experienced grandma. "Babies came out on time, and we didn't need any fancy hairdos or leg warmers to distract them."
The Pandemic Effect
While the 80s nostalgia might be partially to blame, the COVID-19 pandemic has had its fair share of impact. With the rollercoaster ride of lockdowns, restrictions, and remote work, it's no wonder that babies are a bit hesitant to make their debut. Can we blame them for wanting to avoid Zoom baby showers?
America's Solution?
So, what's the solution to America's 'womb-der' years? Well, we may have to dust off our fanny packs and dig out those cassette tapes to truly connect with these baby rebels. Maybe it's time for doctors to trade in their stethoscopes for synthesizers and sing a rousing rendition of "Don't Stop Believin'" during labor. Who knows, it just might do the trick!
In the meantime, parents and doctors will have to accept that timely arrivals are no longer the norm. Perhaps it's time for America to embrace this cultural shift and celebrate the fact that these 80s babies have already mastered the art of keeping everyone on their toes.
So, as we continue down this nostalgic journey, let's remember that even if these little ones are fashionably late, they'll still rock our world like Madonna rocked the MTV Video Music Awards. After all, the 80s were all about standing out from the crowd, even when it comes to childbirth.
Disclaimer: This article is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please consult a medical professional for any concerns related to childbirth.
Did you enjoy this blast from the past? Stay tuned for more enticing articles celebrating 80s culture on Ersatz News!
