France's decision to put Ukraine's EU aspirations on hold leaves them feeling like a forgotten cassette tape in a dusty attic.

France Throws Cold Croissant on Ukraine's EU Dream

Jennifer Pagliaccio
Jennifer PagliaccioDecember 23, 2023Ersatz News

France Throws Cold Croissant on Ukraine's EU Dream

Paris, France - In a move that left Ukraine feeling like a forgotten cassette tape in a dusty attic, France has put a cold croissant on their dreams of joining the European Union. Ukrainian officials now find themselves in a state of utter confusion, wondering if they accidentally stepped into a time machine that transported them back to the 80s.

The French Paradox

"It's like finding out that your favorite 80s rock band isn't having a reunion tour after all," lamented Ukrainian President, Oleksiy Honcharuk. "We were ready to rock the Eurozone with our perestroika-infused charm, but France is throwing a cold croissant on our dreams."

A Breakup or a Time Out?

As Ukrainian politicians anxiously await clarification from France, some have resorted to blasting 80s power ballads in their offices to cope with the uncertainty. "Nothing says 'time to fight for our EU dream' like belting out Bonnie Tyler's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'," confessed an anonymous Ukrainian government official.

Ukraine's EU Hopes Fade

"Now, we feel like we've been transported into a movie straight out of the 80s," said Olena Zerkal, Ukraine's Deputy Prime Minister for European and Euro-Atlantic Integration. "Except instead of the underdog teenager triumphing over adversity, we're just stuck in a Monty Python-style skit."

The Uncertain Path Ahead

"We may be feeling 'Funky Cold Medina' now, but we know that 'The Power of Love' will guide us through," said a hopeful Ukrainian citizen, referring to classic hits by Tone-Loc and Huey Lewis and the News.

Stay tuned for more updates on this story, and let's hope that the next headline won't be "Ukraine's EU Dream Vanishes Like a Hair Metal Band in the 90s."

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